Lifeline | Part II

Change is on the rise.  Big change.  Change in which I've been entirely way too scared to even think about, much less talk about.


Its frightening to be on your pedestal of "fame", and have the rug pulled from right under you, but sometimes, you've gotta fall to be able to get back up.  But in any case of mishap and misfortune, afterward, you'll stand a lot taller, walk a lot taller, and talk a lot smarter.  I guess, I can welcome that.


I didn't want to at first.  I was stubborn in my ways, and didn't see going back as an option.


I soon came across a blog from a local photographer... who just happened to attend the same church as I.
She wrote of her high's, lows, and now, struggles. I felt she was writing just for me, saying, "Its okay..." I cried.  I felt lost in her words, in her thoughts.  A quick, "Maybe so??" flashed across my mind.  I chose to ignore it. I mean, how can I relate to HER; one of Houston's most notorious and noted photographers??  Surely, we couldn't have anything in common, photography wise. Right??

The "busy" season hit, and there I was, right back on her post, not just reading her thoughts, but genuinely feeling them. I cried again, but this time, the tears rushed in, and never settled.  I felt alone. Lost. Trapped. And most of all, I felt ungrateful. Like I had taken everything for granted. Everything. Every.single.thing.


I hadn't seen my church doors in 3 months, and I hadn't spoken to God in what felt like an eternity. I hadn't read a goodnight story to my daughter.  I had not kissed my husband goodnight. I had not prayed, and when I did, I found myself fighting just to stay awake to say, "Amen."  My life was a circus, and I was the main act.  The curtains were falling, and the structure- crumbling.  I was caving in on what I thought was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life.  I had lost it.  All.  What took months and months to build, I destroyed in as little as a few weeks.


I slept. Slept some more. And slept some more after that.
All I wanted to do was sleep... to dream away the nightmares I was facing while awake.


I lost sight of why I had ever picked up a camera in the first place, and I lost sight of why it ever even stayed in my hands.  I could kick myself over and over again.  I think back, and sometimes wonder where it all went wrong, and what I could have done better, more or less of, and then I remember...  Philippians 4:13.  -- My favorite verse (not to mention 4/13 is my husbands birthday).  What's the opposite of that verse?

Without Him, I am me... alone.
Without anything, I have nothing.

Nothing. Alone.

Exactly the threshold I was walking...




To be continued...