I will elaborate more, within the next couple of weeks, but I've felt compelled to repost this experience. I've been waiting for the perfect opportunity... when God said, "Its time." I dunno, maybe someone out there would benefit from reading..
So here I am.
I hope you enjoy.
October 9, 2009.
The past few days, my faith tank has been barelyyy truckin' on "E". I feel beat down, and broke down, and to be quite honest, tired would be an understatement. I'm emotionally drained...I feel as if my strength has literally been sucked right out of me. Being able to find the strength to stand in the midst of our current circumstances, I feel, is nearly impossible...at least at this point.
Last night, I found myself lying in bed weeping... no, scratch that... I was balling my eyes like a big ol cry baby; so much I had to apply a cold compress on my ojos this morning to simmer the swelling down. It has been about 4 months since I've cried to this rare extreme, yet I can't seem to recall the last time I was THIS angry with God. (and even more angry at myself BECAUSE I was angry with God) I wanted to scream and shout, "WHYYY ME??? Haven't I been faithful enough?!?!" I was hurt, and as stupid as this may sound, I felt abandoned by His love. And, presumptuously speaking, I felt like he left me out in the cold butt naked with nothing but the hair on my head to keep me warm.
Never in my life have I felt so tried and so tested. Yes, there have been some occasions which would qualify as runner's up, but none of which deserve the award of a 1st Place blue ribbon. I say this mostly because just two months ago, I was simply high as a kite on God's love with no plans of coming back down. My faith was oozing out me like that of sweet honey...sticky enough to get even OTHERS "stuck" on God's love and sweet enough to leave you wanting more. I was hearing, seeing, and experiencing HIM like NEVER before, and I was absolutely LOVING it. I simply could not get enough!
It wasn't until 2 nights ago, I sat down and actually thought to myself, "God isn't only testing my faith, He is also trying to teach me a very valuable lesson in the process..." I spent the ENTIRE day, yesterday, wracking my brain, trying to figure out what that lesson may be and why the heck I hadn't managed to catch on by now (after 2 full months), but nothing came to mind. Why? Well, because I simply couldn't BE STILL...I couldn't separate His voice from my own, and ultimately I blocked Him out...I left Him out in the cold.
After sitting in silence with tears burning my puffy eyes and boogers and all running down my nose, it finally hit me. His purpose is higher than the need for my relief...He has something MUCH greater planned. Something I can't even begin to comprehend. Like my sweet aunt said to me yesterday, "God has a miracle with YOUR name on it." And like my cousin said, I too believe my steps ARE most definitely in order...its just gonna take a few more steps to get to my destination...to reach my purpose; my purpose to glorify HIM.
To make a long story short, the transition of the weather from last night to this morning was, for me, more reassuring than ever...
Last night, out here in Cypress, we had a nastaayyyyy thunderstorm...The lighting cracked so ferociously, Jr and I sprang out of bed like pop-tarts out of a toaster! The wind was spookishly howling, and boy did God seem prettyyy angryyy. I'm not going to lie, I was straight up scurrrred and genuinely frightened. I even brought Aislynn into bed with us, so I could snuggle away my pre-school fears. lol For a second there, I thought I was dead center in some kind of horrific Hurricane Ike nightmare. phew.
When I woke this morning it was a different story...a different melody was playing. One that was soft, inviting, full of warmth, and bursting with pure joy. I hesitantly peeked through my bedroom blinds expecting to see my pretty garden decor violently dispersed on the back lawn, but instead the sun was beaming; shining ever so brightly in a beautiful bold blue sky, the wind was gracefully dancing upon the treetops, my ears were blessed with the birds' morning song, and low and behold my garden decor was safe and sound, standing proud in the grass which just a few hours ago was being tormented and battered by the heavy rain. Immediately, I felt a sense of relief. Like right there in that very instant all of my worries and fears were lifted and then softly placed in God's most gracious and merciful hands.
Though I couldn't physically see Him, I knew He was very present. He was standing right there; His hand on my shoulder, gazing out onto the beautiful horizon; the horizon of a NEW DAY.
It was like I woke up this morning, and in my ear, God lovingly whispered, "This storm too shall pass..."
Rain, sunshine, and HUGE love!
XoXo
-Casey <3
No comments:
Post a Comment