Life in the Fat Lane | Fat Girl Slim Friday

Many of you who know me, today, didn't exactly know me, yesterday.

I swam competitively for 6 years, danced for 2, and was even 2 weeks away from shipping out to Parris Island, SC. (Marine boot camp training).  YEP! You read right...the MARINES.  (this is an entirely different blog...one that will have to wait until Tuesday, bc it was DEF an experience).  Going into high school, I weighed about ohhhh 125 lbs, but I was built according to one of my classmates like a football player.  One even went as far as to ask me if I was interested in joining the football team. Umm say whatt???  First of all, I don't like football (sorry, folks. just never been a fan.) Second of all, I'm a girl...a girly girl who more than likely throws like a girl. (but, don't put a gun in my hand though. I'll soot dead on. Real talk.)


Sidetrack for a second...
Hair is VERY important to me. VERY important. And I know I've said this before, but the Paul Mitchell School was def 2nd choice aside from the Art Institute.  From Kindergarten, my mother used to spend half an hour blow drying and styling my hair every morning, and as I got older, I became the blow dryer queen.  (thankfully the CHI was soon invented!! Can I get an AMEN?!) I didn't care how long I took doing my hair, as long as it looked fabulous. I took pride in my hair. (still do, might I add. You won't see me rocking the same hairstyle twice. real talk.)

[[BACK ON TRACK, BTW]]

So in 9th grade, my entire 1st semester of my freshman year, I could only enjoy my beautiful one hour maintenance of a hair style for a grand total of the ENTIRE trip to school. (loser, I know). THEN when second semester came, I enjoyed it for all of 1st period. THIS was already hard on me, and my safety net was gone. POOF. Just like that.  Just like my hair. (it was a poof after swim practice) I mean, c'mon this was my very first year of high school, I've gotta have some kind of physical safety net right???
It was my hair.
Although, I looked as if I could have tried out for the football team, my hair was pretty much the only thing tying me to the girly girl side of me. This was to show everyone that I was prim and proper despite my broad shoulders.  (keep in mind this was before there were such things as Tomb Raider and Salt...the tough girls who kicked everyone's butt.  At the time, it was allll about the girly girls in Hollywood. And sadly enough, I looked up to this...)

Okay, so there's one issue...

Then comes my weight.  Unfortunately, around this time, Beyonce and JLo weren't exactly around, and if they were, they're weren't as big as they are now (no pun intended. promise.)  Today, society has really only began to embrace "BIG IS BEAUTIFUL," and "Bootylicious."  Which I totallyyyyy get. Don't get me wrong, we're ALL beautiful, but are we all healthy?  We ain't gonna be so beautiful when we're 6ft under ground because of our bad eating habits, now are we?  (I had to come to terms with this possibility) So anyway, I didn't have any "curvy" role models to look up, and embrace.  Britney Spears KILLED me with those abs. DANG! And Christina Aguilera...girlfriend needed a cheeseburger.

In high school, I wanted to be like the thin tiny girls.  The ones that looked like VS models (back then). At the time, Forever 21 had THE UGLIEST clothes EVARRR, so there was DEF nothing motivating about shopping there. (unlike today, the have the CUTEST maternity clothes!! You bet I'ma be spending baby daddy's money THERE (when the time comes of course)! hehe)  I was always trying to be thin.  But really, I wasn't trying at all.  I exercised, yeah, but after not being able to wear certain outfits due to my "muscular figure", I gave up on exercising period, because it wasn't doing anything, but helping me GAIN muscle, and till this day I gain it easily.  T-shirts and jeans became my "pretty" clothes.  And THIS is where I became comfortable...

(Top: 11th Grade

Bottom: Senior Year '04

Pant Size: 11/13

Weight: 135-140)

(Why I NEVER wore dresses. 

Dianne, I love you, but not me in this pic. lol

Senior Year '04)

Before I took my trip to Prego-ville, I had not a single stretch mark nor a single sign of cellulite. (I also had no top half, but whateverrrr)  And throughout my pregnancy, I couldn't believe how other women had it so horrible.  Mine was so PERFECT.  Aislynn never beat me up, and sleeping was literally a dream come true. I hurled a total of 3 times, and I fit into my pre-prego clothes allllll the way up until I was 6th months.

So what happened?  I got my first stretch mark. I remember this quite vividly, too.  Jr was sitting on the bed in our room, and I was just getting out of the shower, toweling off, and then that's where I saw IT.  My very first battle scar.  I didn't just cry, I wept.  Jr quickly made a mid-night run to get some of that nonsense stretch mark cream (which I unfortunately couldn't stand the smell).  With me trying not to breathe, he rubbed it on my one battle scar. I figured not breathing was MUCH better than having THAT ugly THING on my thigh!  before I knew it, those THINGS spread like wildfire, and I before I knew it, I had gained 20lbs just in my last month of pregnancy.  Unfortunately for me, I didn't know what preeclampsia was (which, I now believe I had, because after reading every symptom, it was like that WebMD was talking to ME).  Luckily, I had no complications because of it, other than having to have an emergency c-section (which again, is another completely different blog post, which I'll save for when you love me enough to read through it. Not ready to torture you quite yet.) (btw. my doctor was def not the best, but he was what insurance covered. Sadly, I learned more about my pregnancy from books, than I did him.)

My 9th month...
the (weeeee early) morning of my labor... 231 lbs.
(I thought something was seriouslyyyy wrong with their scale, because I was just 220 my last doctor's visit, THAT WEEK.)


1 month after Aislynn's delivery...
there I was 200+ lbs.
(Due to the swelling or horrific c-section recovery,I hadn't realized I lost 30lbs. And when I mean horrific, I mean horrific. I was in the hospital for 5 days.Worst pain of my ENTIRE being. And that goes with saying that one of my contractions (while not on drugs) went literally OFF the charts (real talk.) I blame my c-section on my possible unknown preeclampsia)


Recovery was horrible.  It completely shot any motivation I had to lose the baby weight.  I mean, I couldn't even pick up a gallon of milk. Heck, I couldn't even REALLY pick up Aislynn (I unfortunately missed out on holding her the way I had hoped and dreamed).  Then postpartum depression hit.  (THIS, I do NOT believe in. Today, I KNOW for a fact it was the enemy praying on my weak spirit, and for a while there, boy, did he succeed.)

So with alllll of this going on amongst well you know, just becoming a new full time mother and all... I began to eat my feelings...to stuff my face with the emotions.  At the time, God wasn't in my life the way He is, today, so instead of seeking HIM, I sought after the most tastiest goodies I could get my chunky little hands on. (pre-prego, I wore a ring size of 4.5. Now, its a 7) Never thought twice about it. Why?  Because it made me happy. Simple as that.

(Early 2008.

Me @ my heaviest weight. 235+
I stopped getting on the scale after this number, so I dunno for certain how much I weighed, here. Anyone wanna take a guess??? LOL)

Okay...fast forward 3 years.
Just as I crowned myself the "Typo Queen", I have a second title (one that might even be first).
I am the "Yo-Yo Dieter Queen!"  I kid you not, with all the weight I have lost since my pregnancy, I'd be thinner than I was BEFORE I even got pregnant.  Kid.you.not. That's sad. That really really is. And, not to mention, is super unhealthy. You think Oprah's yo-yo dieting is bad???  Errr no. Oprah ain't got a thing on me! ::pft::


So here, I am, today.
Addicted.
Just like a drug, just like pornography, just like social networking, and so on and so forth.
I am an addict.

It wasn't until recently, I accepted this.
And it wasn't without the Lord's help.
Before I was blinded.
Now, He has opened my eyes.
Will I pass or fail?
That is THE question?
Can I live with letting HIM down?
Can I live with letting my daughter down? My husband down?
Can I live with letting MYSELF down?

The answer is simple, sure. Cute face. Chubby waist.
Right??? They will love me even if the scale doesn't.

WRONG.
I have an addiction.  One that NEEDS to be broken, before it breaks me like it has already tried.
And its getting close, but how far will I let it go?  How much longer am I to live like this? I can only imagine the world that is waiting out there for me, if I just could just manage to get HEALTHY. Not thin, but healthy.


So here I am, today...
Beginning yet another journey.
I've tried countless other ones...but with the wrong motive.
I don't wanna be THIN.  I like having a tush. I like being able to fill out the bras I never could.
I don't however, want my high school figure back.  In fact, I don't want any part of high school, PERIOD, to return.  Those days are gone, and so is that person.
I am me, today.
Right here, right now.
Battling this ADDICTION.

And honestly...
I can honestly say, that because of my weight, I am a better person INSIDE.  I treat people better. I love them for who they are, and not what they look like. Being vain is a thing of the past.  I don't understand what people think they can possibly gain in life by making fun of others?  I pity them. I pray for them.  Because I know how sad and lonely their heart truly is.  Yeah, I've been there, and sadly, I've done that.  We are ALL beautiful people, no matter the color of our skin, the background of our life, the shape of our mid-section. We were ALL created in HIS image.  He loves us unconditionally, so why do we treat people otherwise?

We've all got battles that many do not know of, so don't judge, but instead encourage.
Just because your battle isn't MY battle, doesn't excuse the fact that it is indeed, in some way, shape, or form, a BATTLE. Lift others up rather than beat them down.  LOVE them as Jesus would.

To some, losing weight is easy. To me, someone who for most of my life, tried to gain FAT rather than muscle, its hard.  VERY hard.  Never having to go on a TRUE "diet", leaves me trying new things...especially now that my body is different (this happens after you give birth to a live human being), so its gonna take some time and a whole'lotta prayer.

What might seem easy to you, might be hard for me. And what might seem hard to you, may be easy to me.  Addiction is addiction.  Its a process of first coming to terms with it, and then its a process of healing, and then everyday is a "battle." My addiction may not be YOUR addiction. And your addiction may not be MY addiction.

So...

This is my journey.
This is my process.
My new day.
My new start.
My new song.
This is my battle.
And this is my VICTORY.


Hope you'll join me!

 (April 2010 @ 211 lbs)

Fab hair, muscles, and HUGE LOVE!
XoXo
-Casey <3